Must Be March

Until recently, I was completely unaware of how busy March can be. You have St. Patrick’s Day, filled with those who feel the need to drink shitty beer tainted further with green food coloring. They drink in honor of the patron saint of Ireland, a man that they have no connection to or clue about, until they spew ectoplasm on their four leaf clover laden lawns. I also have not-so-fond memories of kids pinching me when my pre-adolescent Alzheimer’s would kick in and cause me to forget to wear something green. This would then lead to me getting into a considerable amount of trouble for swiftly knocking my accoster in the head with my hand or whatever object I happen to be holding. Obviously the second official color of St. Patrick’s Day is blackandblue.

Nothing About This is Appealing

Then there’s March Madness. Those who have no interest or knowledge in college basketball all of a sudden become Xerox versions of Dick Vitale – a person who I can’t stand… baby. Everyone runs around going “Did you fill out your bracket!? Did you fill out your bracket!?!” Yes, I filled every blank with “piss off.” I really think I have a shot at winning the pool this year!

However, most importantly amongst my friends, it is also March Mustache. They refuse to bring a blade to their upper lip and race to see who can produce the ultimate ‘stache. Beards are not allowed, even if they just happen to be connected to the mother load of a mustache. And, not to be left out or outdone, a small group of us ladies are now sporting mustache necklaces. A curly tipped, handlebar mustache hangs around our necks which can snuggly be placed below our noses when the time sees fit – which is all the time. If that were not enough, the end of the month brings “Stache Bash!” This will be a fuzzy-faced, drunken debacle where the whiskered winner shall be crowned.

Burt Likey the Mustache

So, all in all, there’s a lot going on in March. I feel as though it may be a little much and should all be consolidated into one act on one day. Maybe something like: Drunk Mustachioed Irish Basketball Players Who Pinch Children While They Fill Out Brackets of Beards Day.

Yeah, that works.

As if there weren't enough to keep track of, here are a few other holidays that take place in March:

3 – If Pets Had Thumbs Day

7 – National Crown Roast of Pork Day

14 – Learn About Butterflies Day

20 – Extraterrestrial Abductions Day

28 – Something on a Stick Day

31 – Bunsen Burner Day

If you're interested in joining the ranks of my closest lady friends, check out this link for a mustache necklaces like the ones we're wearing.
MUSTACHE STYLE!