Alcohol and Athletics

I read a beer article today. I read a fitness article today. Where it went wrong was that they were one in the same. Look, as a former college athlete and a person of sound mind I know that drinking beer, especially in excessive amounts, is counteractive to having that hot summer bod you’ve been striving for. Even my own impressive beer consumption has led to a not so impressive guttural increase – which is also why I now like to mix in the vodka and sodas between workouts.

I'll Take Ten, Please

The aforementioned article states that they took their editors and ten beers for a blind taste test with the goal of selecting the best low calorie beer. The problem from the very start of their mission was that the ten beers they tested were the shittiest of shit beers: Coors Light, Miller Lite, Heineken Light and so on. This is similar to figuring out who is the smartest in a room of retards. I honestly shouldn’t have continued with the article when I saw who they crowned as light beer numero uno – Bud Light. One editor actually made the comment of, “It’s what a beer should taste like.” I was so angered by this statement that I plan on acquiring her whereabouts so that I can pour battery acid on her tongue. The runner up was Sam Adams Light. Their remarks about this one: “We loved the nutty, complex flavors.” You would like nuts…

I could go on about why I hate every ounce of text that is now embedded into the interweb and my now pure distain for those who contributed to it, but I’m fairly certain that one or more veins in my head might burst. Maybe I’ll just send them a case of O’Doul’s dosed in kerosene with box of matches and a fill-in-the-blank suicide note since they clearly should never write a single word of anything about anything else ever again.

May Your Taste Buds and Souls Burn, Fitness Wenches