HomeSlice.

I have decided that upon crossing the county state line to my home town, I am sucked back into time. But not in that Pleasantville sort of time travel where everything is black and white, people say things like “Golly!” and “Gee whiz!” or morals are held in the highest regard. That would be far too apparent and, therefore, easier to adjust to. No, this trip back is roughly 3-5 years. That may not seem like a long time, but considering how quickly things are changing in the world around us – it is. Imagine, if you will, just a few things that were happening and popular in 2006.

• Nelly and Paul Wall were flashing their platinum dentures in their hit song “Grillz.” James Blunt whined till your ears bled in “You’re Beautiful.” And, who can forget T-Pain’s ode to his favorite female occupation, “I’m In Love with a Stripper.”

• Penguins sung and danced to find a mate in “Happy Feet,” a movie with disturbingly sexual undertones.

• Television super star Don Knotts left this earth for that random film cameo in the sky (Triple bonus points if you instantly got the Pleasantville connection).

• An asteroid narrowly misses colliding with the Earth by coming within 268,624 miles of us. Shockingly, not huge news. Although, I see it rather noteworthy.

• And I, at any given point in time, could be found passed out in my college dorm room shower due to a little game I liked to call “Binge Drinking.”

In Panama City, however, everything seems to be all screwy. They recently got their first Starbucks.* I wish I could have been there to see that. I picture a pack of quizzical rednecks slowly approaching the building. The hordes warily sniff at it like an abandoned animal that is skeptical of a free meal. My last venture in gave me a good laugh as I stood behind a lady ranting how she just wanted a medium coffee. The poor teenage girl behind the counter was exasperated as she repeatedly tried to explain that a tall was, indeed, a medium. Too soon, Panama City, too soon.

The movie selection is always a bit off. With so little to do, I wanted to catch a movie I had already seen “up north,” but was sadden to hear that it was not playing. Not only was it not playing, but it wouldn’t be playing at all. Apparently a scene in the movie was dubbed “unfit for the general public.” The culprit was a graphic and salacious love scene between two women. They clearly did not poll males between the ages of 16 and 35. Or lesbians. Because there are lots of those there. LOTS.

Continuing on that idea, I am also accustomed to a multitude of churches that are accepting of all people without second thought to color, origin, sexual orientation and all those others labels that Christianity is supposed to overlook. Of course, that is not the case in my beloved home town. Instead, I am in awe of the giant-mega Pentecostal church. I’ve seen Jesus Camp enough times, and this place down right scares me. It also reminds me of a special I saw years ago where those Christian crazies taunted snakes with the idea that Jesus would make sure they were left unharmed. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to pray to Paul Bunyan and then poke a sleeping bear. Also, with such a gargantuan church, I picture snakes in such epic sizes similar to the one Harry Potter slayed. Or Ice Cube in Anaconda. Either way, I will not be converting to Panama City Pentecostal for fear of multitudes of giants snakes, among other things.

Despite a strange time machine-esqe feel at times, a plethora of backwoods inhabitants and a lack of what I can only describe as “culture,” there are a few pluses to this place I called home. What Panama City, Florida does have is a beautiful beach, the ability to purchase alcohol 24/7, a Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum and a Spring Break that hosted MTV during my high school days which has left me wondering why I’m both still alive and without a criminal record. So, maybe the place isn’t that bad. Maybe it all works out in the end. But, as I like to tell people whose faces are filled with surprise when I tell them where I’m from: It’s a great place to visit, but I can’t believe I lived there.

*I must make note, that since writing this two more have sprung up. I’m sure Panama Citians bursting are with double mocha-café-latte-frap excitement.