Bob Ross Kind of Green

I stare at my slumping basil plant with a look of forlorn. How I long to have a green thumb. It could be any shade of green, really. I’m not looking for something bright and vivid that would indicate that I could single-handedly save the diminishing rain forests of the world.

I would take a dull, muted, muddy green that says, “Hey! Water and soil good! Bugs and frost bad!” Instead, my thumb has a sad, crying face that is void of any color that could possibly resemble that of vegetation.

Three basil plants have ceased their days of photosynthesis at my hands. The first was a large, flourishing beauty. It was a gift and I loved it. I loved how it made the apartment smell. I loved cooking with it. I loved how it made me feel so Emeril-like. BAM! Basil! But then, one day, thinking that it needed some sun, I left it outside overnight – in the middle of a frigid winter. The sun from that day didn’t save it from the frost of that night. Like a scantily dressed hooker in a New York alley way, it froze to death. Deader than dead.

Basil plant number two. I clutched a tiny packet of seeds from Target as though they would help me wash my hands of the murder I had brutally performed. However, they barely peeked from the soil in the pink solo cups in which I had planted them. DVDs and Legos = things to buy at Target. Seeds from the $1 Spot = Things you should completely overlook. I would have had more luck by planting a Snickers in hopes of sprouting a candy tree.

Basil plant number three. A full grown plant from the grocery store – minus a little pot for its bare roots. I took it out of its wrapping and set it in one of my bourbon glasses with a little water. I had full intention of buying soil and giving it some tender, sweet lovin’. However, I was distracted by various shiny objects, bright lights, video games and liquor. My once hearty aromatic shrank and shriveled into yet another failure. I’m fairly certain that all Italian herbs tremble at my very name – I am the Anti-Christ of gardening.

Sadly, even a cactus is currently gasping for its last breath. Lately, I’ve contemplated going for a Chia Pet. I do enjoy how they make everything look like a tribute to the late, great Bob Ross.